Today was a rough day. Not a bad day (there’s no such thing 🌴), but a mentally and emotionally tough one.

It started with some small fires that needed to be put out. Nothing too bad.

At 9:30 I had a call with my biz/life coach, Doug Holt. I started working with Doug about 10 weeks ago, and recently we’re getting into some deep mindset work. Today we talked about heavy stuff, stuff that affected my physiology and forced me to reconsider a lot of the ideas I’ve carried with me for the past 39 years.

I’ve discovered, and am still exploring, some of my limiting beliefs. They include guilt as means of protection from complacency and homeostasis, and a rather serious fear of failure to reach my potential. It’s a no-win situation because I’ve flanked myself like a smart war general: I’ve got my guilt pushing me to move forward, pushing me out of homeostasis, pushing me to make my big plans happen, pushing me to do just enough to feel like I’m doing the work… Then I’ve got the fear of failure: What if I work my ass off, try super hard, and then fail? Then I lose my identity as the smart guy in the room, the one with lots of potential.

Between the guilt and the fear, I can’t win. This is my struggle.

It’s the stuff that “fragile masculine egos” are made of. I don’t generally care for SJW types, and the idea-du-jour that cis white men are to blame for all of society’s problems makes me rather ill… But damn, they may be onto something with this fragile ego thing. 😂

This is, for me, akin to not being able to sit down after you’ve done some wicked heavy back squats. Everything hurts like hell, but inside you know that everything is changing and the fact is that your muscles are growing.

So I’m trying to just get comfortable with the pain.

It’s a sign that I’m heading in the right direction. 💪

R.I.P. David Turner 1/2/2020